What Matters Most

I’ve been debating for a few weeks now whether or not to post this answered prayer.  It is not so obvious an answer as some of my previous posts but it was very real to me.  I’ve got a few other more dramatic stories but this is the one that is nagging at me begging to be written.  I’m going to assume that it is a God-thing and go with it.  So, at the risk of being dismissed as silly or psycho-analyzed as (fill-in-the blank), here goes.

I was knee-deep in the early child-rearing years.  I worked part-time from home to supplement my husband’s income but for the most part I was a stay-at-home mom.  My days mostly consisted of wiping up boogers, poop and spills, kissing boo-boos, picking up toys, refereeing fights, locking myself in the bathroom for five minutes of “me” time, dispensing snacks, and trying to have a nutritious dinner on the table at a reasonable time, like before 9 PM.   When John would come through the door around 6 PM, it took monumental self-restraint not to pass him the teary child in my arms like a pro quarterback and go running for the nearest exit until well after bed-time.

The life of a stay-at-home mom can be incredibly exhausting.  It isn’t as much a physical exhaustion as it is an emotional one.  You are on 24/7/365, expected to be bright, cheerful and ready to tackle any problem head on with the patience of Gandhi.  But even more than exhausting, it can feel unbelievably insignificant.  As you say to your child “sure honey I’d love to play Candyland with you (…..again……for the 3^rd time today)” it is easy to wonder if this is all there is.  Boredom sets in and cements into your heart with a leaden feeling of purposelessness.  Mundane defines your life and threatens to define you.

This is the place I was at, feeling small and invisible, insignificant, that day in the car.  I don’t remember how it came to be, but I was actually alone in the car, a rare luxury for a stay-at-home mom.  As is my habit, I use those alone times to gather my thoughts.  Sometimes I consciously bring those thoughts to God.  My conversation with Him that day went something like this:  “God, isn’t there something I can be doing for You?  I mean, I don’t really have the ability to participate in much, actually probably nothing, but, well, isn’t there SOMETHING?”.  I wanted to feel useful, more than just needed.  I wanted to know that my life mattered.

Most often, my prayers are met with silence.  Sometimes, I will later on come across a scripture that speaks directly to me.  This time, God knocked my socks off by showing up in the car.  No, He did not physically appear in the passenger seat and start talking to me.  Instead, I felt enveloped by a presence that threatened to suffocate me with love.  Like the biggest, deepest hug you’ve ever felt in your life from the person who loves you most.  There are no words to adequately describe what it was like.  I was reduced in an instant to a little girl.  My heart was brought to the surface and tenderly but vulnerably laid open. 

As I basked in this overwhelming presence, a picture of my husband and children formed in my mind.  Then I heard a voice speak these words.  It wasn’t physically audible, but it might as well have been.  “This is your ministry.  Do not underestimate it.”   That’s when the tears spilled out uncontrollably.  A peace I hadn’t felt for years settled in and soothed my soul.  I was right where God wanted me to be, only now I knew it. 

It was simultaneously one of the most frightening and one of the most comforting experiences I have ever had.  And the best part about it?  I know that my life matters.  God said so.

You’re Hot and You’re Cold

We had been at it for weeks.  Our van’s heating element had given up the ghost right as fall was bowing out and Old Man Winter was settling in and we were at an impasse as to how to handle it.  Money, that ever-elusive but necessary evil, was at the heart of our squabbling.  That and pride.

I was absolutely convinced that there was no argument here; we MUST replace the heating element regardless of our ability to pay for it.  After all, we had a 4-month-old and she needed to keep warm.  We should put it on the credit card and figure out how to pay for it later.  And what about me?  I hated being cold, despite my northern roots.  What was my husband thinking?

He, also, was absolutely convinced that there was no argument here; we MUST NOT replace the heating element precisely BECAUSE of our inability to pay for it.  After all, if we didn’t have the money now, what made me think we would suddenly have the money later?  He was already working double shifts to support our growing family.   There was no way he could work any more.  What was I thinking?

This particular night, we had rather heated discussions all evening while out for a drive in said cold van that left the air positively frigid.  What was supposed to have been a chance to get away for a while and reconnect had turned into an all-out argument fest that left us both feeling farther apart than ever.   Each of us was convinced that we were absolutely right and the other was absolutely wrong.   We did not see any third options.  We were stuck good.

Sitting in the driveway still fuming from our lack of ability to agree, I got a brainwave.  Why don’t we talk to God about this and see what He has to say about it?  Inwardly, I was sure that God would show my husband the obvious sense I was making.  I mean, think of the baby!  I was later to discover that John felt pretty much the same way, convinced that God would show me the obvious sense that my husband was making.  I mean, think of the money!

After a short, tense prayer together, we entered the house ready to relieve my mother-in-law of babysitting duty.  Before we even got our coats off, she blurted out,  ”By the way, before I forget, your father and I have agreed that we’d like to pay for the heat in your van.”   Our mouths dropped open wide and we looked at eachother more than a little bewildered.  She had no idea about our icy evening and the resultant prayer just moments before.  The timing was too good to be coincidence. 

And we were definitely not prepared for this answer.  God hadn’t decided who was “right” and who was “wrong” after all.   He had honored us both.  We would have heat in the van AND we wouldn’t go into debt over it.  We were more than a little humbled.

That night while settling into bed, the coolness that had haunted us for weeks gave way to a warmth that came from our newly found mutual respect.  This incident started a foundational shift in our marriage.  We began really seeing eachother for the first time all over again, each a person in his or her own right with thoughts and feelings just as valid as our own. 

Philippians 2:3-4  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Imagine that.